The Essence of Etiquette

Etiquette can be defined as the body of rules of social conduct that tells us what our society considers appropriate and acceptable behavior. Adherence to these guidelines can help make our personal and professional relationships more comfortable and effective. We tend to feel more at ease when we understand what others expect of us.

The etiquette that we follow when sending an invitation, like etiquette in other areas, revolves around three basic building blocks: Common sense, courtesy, and usage.

Etiquette’s foundation is common sense. On an invitation, for example, there is essential information that must be conveyed if you want your guests to show up at your event. Your guests need to know who is inviting them to what function. They also need to know the date, time, and place. A properly worded invitation contains all of that information and presents it succinctly and coherently.

Courtesy is the spirit of etiquette. Its inherent generosity makes for better and more rewarding relationships. Courtesy imposes on us an obligation to be considerate of others. At times, you may come across some guidelines that you feel might not work in your situation. If you followed those guidelines, you might, perhaps, offend someone you love. You may feel that your relationship with that person is more important than the wording of your invitation. When that is the case, courtesy demands that you find an alternative. Etiquette is proper only when it facilitates and strengthens relationships.

The third building block is usage. Etiquette has evolved over the years and will continue to evolve. Many of the customs that were proper fifty years ago are anachronisms now - a gentleman tipping his hat comes to mind. Likewise, many of the customs we practice today will be outdated fifty years from now.

As old customs become obsolete, new ones take their place. Reply cards, for example, were, not very long ago, considered improper, even offensive and insulting. Wedding invitations were always answered in one’s own handwriting on one’s own stationery. As our lives became busier and busier, many of us no longer had the time to sit down and handwrite a reply. Since hosts and hostesses could not risk not receiving responses, they began to send reply cards with their invitations. This made it easier for their guests to respond. The courtesy extended to their guests was a common sense approach to the problem of late and never received responses. As more and more invitations were sent with reply cards, reply cards became more and more acceptable. Today, they are sent with almost every wedding invitation.

In other words, at some point the traditional way of responding to wedding invitations was not working. Common sense suggested that a solution be developed. The solution was simple: Extend to guests the courtesy of providing them with an easy to use card with a stamped, pre-addressed envelope. This solution worked and through its usage reply cards have now become perfectly proper.

These three building blocks - common sense, courtesy, and usage - are the basis for all the guidelines that social etiquette provides.

Selecting Your Wedding Invitation

Wedding invitations set the tone for the wedding; they are the first exposure most people will have to your wedding, and will create your guests' first impressions. Not only do your invitations tell them where and when your wedding is being held, they subtly tell them how formal it is, how they should dress and may even influence the types of gifts they may send.

When you select your wedding invitations, keep in mind what type of wedding you are having. Your invitations and your wedding should complement one another. While formal invitations are appropriate for, among other things, a traditional church wedding, something more contemporary and colorful may be suitable for a ceremony less formal.
Wedding invitations should be ordered at least four months before your wedding. This should allow you enough time for addressing and mailing. (Wedding invitations should be mailed six to eight weeks before the wedding.) Of course, it is best to order them as soon as you have all the necessary information.

Where should I purchase my wedding invitations?
There are many places that sell wedding invitations including stationery stores, jewelers, engravers, department stores, and specialty stores. When selecting a stationer, you should look for one who has expertise in selling wedding invitations and whom you feel comfortable working with. Your stationer should be able to answer or find the answer to any questions that you might have.

What kind of paper should I use?
This is actually a three-part question, as you need to choose the material from which the paper is made, the color and the type of stationery.

Wedding papers are made from either cotton or wood. The first true papers were made from cotton almost two thousand years ago. Wood-pulp papers came into being in the 1800s during the industrial revolution . They supplanted cotton-fiber papers for many uses because of their lower cost and the seemingly endless supply of trees.
The finest paper, though, is made from cotton. Before you order your invitations, run your fingers across the paper. Invitations made from cotton will have a soft, rich feel to them. You'll be able to recognize the luxury and the quality inherent in cotton-fiber paper.

There are other advantages in using cotton-fiber papers. In addition to the superior quality, papers made from 100 percent cotton are environmentally friendly. Cotton is a renewable resource. A new cotton crop is harvested every year, whereas it takes many years to replace the trees used to make wood-pulp papers. And unlike papers made from ordinary wood pulp, papers made from cotton do not decompose. Your wedding invitations will look as beautiful on your Golden Wedding Anniversary as they did on the day you sent them.

Formal wedding invitations can be engraved or thermographed on either ecru or white stationery. Ecru is the color you may know as buff, cream, ivory, or eggshell. It is the off-white color that we typically associate with wedding invitations. Other than ecru and white, there are numerous trendy color options today with embellishments such as ribbons and bows.  The color that you choose is a matter of personal preference. Ecru is the more popular of the two in the Americas while white is the color of choice in Europe.

Formal wedding invitations have a fold on the left-hand side and open like a book. This type of stationery is called a letter sheet. They may be either plain or paneled. Paneled invitations have a blind embossed frame. Another popular choice for invitations is a heavyweight flat card.

Although elegant white and ecru are still the most popular paper colors for wedding invitations, many brides want more choices.  So this year, it’s all about color. Whether you choose a folded or flat card invitation, manufacturers are offering papers in lively new colors to reflect this joyful time of year.  Add to these a palette of inks and dozens of striking envelope linings, and your creativity can begin to soar.

There must be hundreds of different lettering styles. How do I go about choosing one?
Selecting a lettering style can be a tiresome and confusing task. Style charts present just one line of each particular style surrounded by a myriad of other styles and, therefore, do not give you a very good idea of how the whole invitation will look. The best way to choose a lettering style is to skip the style charts and look at the sample invitations. This allows you to see what your invitations will look like in each lettering style. Since traditional invitations all follow the same format, your invitations will look pretty much like the sample in the book.
The lettering style you do choose should reflect the formality of your wedding and your personal taste.
You should ask to see a email or fax proof so you can see what your invitation will look like before it goes to press. While some script and block lettering styles can look beautiful, they may not look the way you expect them to on the invitation you’ve selected.  A proof eliminates surprises and is a wise investment.

What color ink should I use?
Formal wedding invitations are engraved or thermographed in black ink. However, exceptionally bold lettering styles on white paper can look too heavy and busy when printed in black ink. In such cases, gray or charcoal ink is a good alternative. 
Along with the new trendy colored stocks are colored inks.  One of the most popular ink colors used today is mocha/chocolate. Other popular choices are silver, navy and burgundy.
The color selection is often made to reflect the season or tone of the event, or to coordinate with the color palette of the wedding.

What is engraving?
Engraving is one of the oldest and most beautiful processes for reproducing images on paper. It was developed during the 1700s and was initially used to reproduce the documents and announcements that were at that time copied by hand. The appeal in engraving was in the exquisite detail created by its three-dimensional impression.
Engravers were talented craftsmen who carried their trade from the Old World to the Americas. Their craft was not only used to produce stationery and announcements but also currency papers, such as stocks, bonds, and dollar bills. Two of the United States' most famous engravers were Paul Revere and Benjamin Franklin.
The most elegant invitations are still engraved. The invitation copy is etched in reverse into a copper plate. Ink is deposited into the resulting cavity. The engraving press then forces the paper into the cavity, creating a raised impression. The paper is literally raised with the ink adhering to its raised surface. The fact that the paper itself is raised is what distinguishes engraving from printing and thermography.

How can I tell if an invitation is engraved?
The easiest way is to turn it over and look at the back. If there is an indentation, it is engraved.
The indentation is caused by the pressure the engraving press exerts on the paper when it forces the paper into the cavity of the die. None of the other processes produce an indentation. When you look at the front of the indentation, you will notice its "bruise." The invitation will have a gentle wave or ripple to it, giving it a look of distinction. Run your fingers across it. You will feel the softness of the cotton paper interrupted by the sharp, crisp lines that can only be created by engraving.

What is thermography?
Thermography is sometimes called "raised printing," although the printing is not raised at all. Unlike engraving where the paper is actually raised, the raise in thermography is created by a resinous powder that is melted over the flat-printed ink. Thermography is less expensive than engraving and can give your invitations a similar look.  It is the most popular process used today.

What is blind embossing?
Blind embossing (or just "embossing") is a process similar to engraving. As with engraving, a raised impression is created from a copper plate. Unlike engraving, no ink is used. Blind embossing is commonly used for a family coat of arms, the return address on the outside envelopes, and monogrammed thank-you notes. Dies made for blind embossing can be used again to blind emboss or to engrave in a metallic color. They cannot, however, be engraved in other ink colors.

When should my wedding invitations be mailed?
Wedding invitations should be mailed six to eight weeks before the wedding. For summer and holiday weddings, many brides mail their invitations eight to ten weeks before the wedding since people are more likely to be traveling at those times.

How much postage will my wedding invitations require?
The invitation's size, the number of enclosure cards, and even the humidity affect the postage. The majority of invitations will not mail for the first-class postage rate.  Nearly all invitations (standard, over-size and square) will require extra-postage. To determine the correct postage, you should have your invitations (including the stamp on the reply envelope) weighed at the post office from which they will be sent. 

How much money should I expect to spend?
Costs will vary as they are determined by the quality of the invitation, the number of enclosures, and the quantity ordered. When selecting your invitations, it is important to remember that even though the invitations set the tone for the entire wedding, they comprise, on average, only about 3-5 percent of the cost of the wedding. No matter how much money you save by purchasing inexpensive invitations, it will be a tiny amount in relation to the overall cost of your wedding.

Glossary of Terms

Before you begin shopping for the perfect invitation, you may want to review this glossary of terms so you will understand what you are purchasing and just what the printing lingo means.

Applique
A decoration or ornament applied to a larger surface.

Beveled
Used to indicate an edge is slanted (not at a right angle).

Blind Embossing
Same as "embossing" defined below, only blind embossing uses no color of any kind other than the color of the paper itself.

Bright White
This shade is the ultimate in white, very crisp, pure and bright.

Calligraphy
Calligraphy is a form of writing. It is a beautiful art developed from old italic script and was typically done by hand. Today, calligraphy can also be done using calligraphy machines. It is a preferred method of addressing invitations.

Combination Lettering
Two typestyles used to create a different look.

Deckle Edge
An uneven, feathery edge on a piece of paper is called a deckle edge. This edge is most commonly found on parchment invitations but will be found on other papers as well.

Die-cutting
The process of using sharp metal rules to cut shapes and designs into paper. Die-cutting includes cutout shapes and sculpted edges.

Double Envelopes
The traditional set of two envelopes used with formal invitations and announcements. The Outer Envelope is addressed to the guest and has the senders return address printed on the back. The inner envelope, with the invitation and accessories, is placed inside the outer envelope so that it arrives in pristine condition. The inner envelope carries only the guests' names. Since the Inner Envelope is thought of as the primary envelope because it holds the invitation directly, this is the one that will be lined if you choose a liner. The Inner Envelope is not gummed, therefore is not sealed shut.

Ecru
There are several shades of ecru stock also known as ivory, cream and beige.

Embossing
Raising in relief from a surface. In printing, to press paper into the cavities in a metal die leaving three-dimensional words or designs on the paper. Embossing can be combined with Foil-Stamping or printing methods using ink.

Foil Stamping
Colored foil heat-stamped into the paper. Foils usually have a metallic finish in either matte or high gloss.

Font
The font refers to the style of lettering, also called "typestyle", or "lettering style."

Informals
Refers to informal stationery, which is usually used for writing thank-you notes.

Inner Envelopes
See Double Envelopes.

Layers
Generally used to indicate layers of paper tied or glued together. If the top layer is translucent parchment and the lower layer is decorative, you see a muted version of the lower layer through the parchment.

Liners
Decorative papers used to line the inside of an Inner Envelope or a Single Envelope. Some brands honor the age-old craft of lining envelopes by hand and line the full length of the envelope.

Lithography
Technical term for what many people call flat printing. Lithography creates watercolor effects and pale background designs. The ink is literally flat with a matte finish.

Monograms
A decoration using the initials of a name. When the middle letter of a person's monogram is larger than the side two, the sequence of initials is first name on the left, surname in the middle, then middle name on the right. When all letters are the same size, the sequence of initials from left to right is first name, middle name, then surname. If you are combining the bride's name with the groom's, you must use the format with the middle letter larger. In this case, the sequence of initials is the bride's first name on the left, mutual surname in the middle, and the groom's first name on the right.

Outer Envelopes
See Double Envelopes.

Panel
A raised section of the paper created by pressing the middle section where the words will be printed down leaving the raised area looking like a frame or matt. Alternately, the term is used to indicate pages facing each other such as on a tri-fold invitation which, when opened fully, has a left panel, middle panel, and right panel.

Parchment
A translucent paper made to look like the original parchment. This lovely paper adds a softening effect to any invitation and can be used either singly or as a layer. Many companies may call this paper "vellum."

Pearlize
The process that applies a luminous pearl-like finish to part of an invitation, usually to an embossed design.

Single Envelopes
A single envelope with a gummed flap into which the invitation is slipped directly and then sealed shut. Single Envelopes may be printed on the back flap for added elegance.

Single-Layer
Used to indicate a single card without a fold.

Thermography
A contemporary printing method using heat and a fine resin to create a rich, raised effect with the ink. A clear powder is dusted onto the flat ink of lithography just after it is printed, then heated to give the raised effect.

Tri-Fold
A tri-fold is created when a sheet of paper is folded twice to form a three-paneled invitation. Both outside panels are folded inward to cover the center panel.

Vellum
An opaque, smooth-finish, sumptuous paper. Other companies may use this term to refer to parchment paper (see above).

White
This shade is a soft white.

Z-Fold
A z-fold is created when a sheet of paper is folded twice in accordion fashion to form a three-paneled invitation.